Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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