I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you would pick up someone in the library
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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