I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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