Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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