and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
