tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
