We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
