I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
zippers are such a cool invention
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
