We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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