if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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