Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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