Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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