the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
