So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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