Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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