i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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