Just fell off a train. Bad.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
