woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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