Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
