I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.