im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
