I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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