I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
