I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
