i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
