haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
