On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
