I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
