I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
