Can i not drive my cunt home
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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