dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
