there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
