I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
