She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
