Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
