i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
