I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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