You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
