I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
birth control should be required to get into college
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
