omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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