I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
