I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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