listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
