This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
