I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
