Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
