I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
