we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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