What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
