Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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