Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
