I should be sponsored by Trojan
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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