I'm lost and stupid without you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
