this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
