yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
