I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
