I think I am morally bankrupt
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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