I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize